Very common advice we hear from successful relationships is to “leave the past behind”. Most of us fail to realise how powerful that advice is. We all have been there at some point of time in our relationships when we get to know our partner’s past, especially sexual history. It is heartbreaking, hard to digest, our mind will keep imagining our partner’s past sexual history.
Before we get into the details, you need to identify, would you be able to accept your partner’s past at any point of time – be it in a few days / months / or even years. As long you know you will accept it. Because in some cases, their partner’s sexual history can be too wild for them. Hence, they can’t just accept that at all. If that is your case, it is best that you let go your relationship now itself.
For those who think whatever feeling you are going through is temporary, and you should be able to accept and move on, then these steps might help you.
Fix Yourself First
Yes, fix your emotions first before trying to fix your relationship. It is painful, angry, sad, makes you uncomfortable with all the details. It is okay to feel that way. Anyone would react the same way for it. Take your time.
Once you recover from your extreme emotion, try to identify your feeling/emotion by answering these questions?
- is it black and white thoughts
- am I overthinking about this whole situation
- am I going through retroactive jealousy
- is he/she doing this while he/she in this relationship
- is there any evidence that he/she has been cheating on me
Write down everything. This way you can eliminate most of the unnecessary thoughts from your head. However, be truthful when you list them down. Don’t let your emotion or affection towards your partner answer it.
Value Your Partner in Your Current Relationship
It is crucial to think about the good things as your mind will go back to the negative thoughts about your partner. But try to list down the good things about your partner. This way you will appreciate them for who they are in the present more than what they did in the past. Slowly you will be more positive and start to let go the negative feelings about them.
Talk to Your Partner
It is best that you let your partner know how you exactly feel about their past. Tell them how much it hurts and affects you mentally. Most importantly, SHARE with them – not in an argument or accusing way. Remember, their past mistakes hurt them too, they must be going through the same amount of pain. Therefore, listen to their side of the story. If they are hurt about this whole thing or whatever it is, you have to listen to them.
Seek for Experts Help
Look for a couple or individual therapist if you really can’t handle your partner’s past. They will give you a different perspective to your relationship and your emotion about this whole situation. Eventually it will help you both to move towards a healthy relationship.
Learn to Accept and Move On
Slowly understand that the past is not going to bring any good but harm for your current relationship. It is best that you let it go if you think your partner is not doing anything behind your back. This way your partner will appreciate you more and you both will have a stronger relationship than before. However if you really can’t let it go after all these attempts, I suggest you let go of this relationship; it is unfair for your partner to go through this as well.
Read series of Trust & Relationship
– Trust is the Foundation of Every Relationship
– How to Rebuild the Trust in a Relationship
– Can We Rebuild Trust After Betrayal
– Let Go Your Partner’s Sexual Past History
– Insecurity Can Cause Breakup in a Relationship
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