Relationship

How to get rid of Retroactive Jealousy OCD for Good!

If you are here reading this, you sort of know what is retroactive jealousy. It simply means repetitive thoughts about your partner’s sexual past. Everyone feels jealous about their partner’s sexual past and it is normal. But if you have the same thoughts continuously and it affects your emotions, actions and the way you react to your partner, then it is called retroactive jealousy. This can get severe and damage your relationship.

Emotions Under Retroactive Jealousy

  • Anger
    This will be the initial emotion when you find out about your partner’s sexual past. Anger about this whole situation and this is just because you can’t accept your partner’s past. You have an image of your partner all this while and the reality says otherwise. 
  • Judgemental
    You will feel angry on how your partner was in his/her past. “was he/she so cheap in her past?”, “how can he/she be so easy like this”, “how can she have a one-night-stand with total strangers”. This will just feed the retroactive jealousy thought further. 
  • Anxiety
    The whole situation and the repeated stories in your head will cause you to have an anxiety and overwhelmed feeling.
  • Fear
    Straightforward, after knowing their past, you will be living in fear that your partner might repeat it again in the present or future. It may make you think of the worst case scenario. 
  • Doubt
    After having all the feelings/emotions above, finally you will start doubting about your relationship and partner if they are the one for you. “can i be with this person?”, “can I have sex with this person without having the thought of her past”, “how can i be with a girl who had sex with a random guy?”
Depression Retroactive Jealousy

On the other hand, OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is a mental issue in which a person is unable to control certain thoughts or behaviours. It doesn’t have to be jealousy or related to relationships. OCD is triggered by some incident that causes them anxiety. Hence, it develops as a compulsive behaviour to fix the situation with temporary relief. But it will come back and the cycle repeats. 

How Does Retroactive Jealousy and OCD Work Together?

As we mentioned earlier, RJ develops certain emotions (anger, judgemental, anxiety, fear and doubts), OCD will repeat these emotions on loop in your brain. Maybe you are in the middle of doing something and out of nowhere you will feel angry about your partner’s past. 

You will start to have this cycle on a daily basis. It can get from mild (once in a while) to very severe (a few days in a day) or in some cases i can get extreme (it will be in your mind 24/7) as well. 

Threat of Losing Your Relationship

This thought of your partner had casual sex with random people in their past, may trigger the fear in your subconscious mind. You will start doubting your current relationship or even your partner’s future behaviour. You will start to lose faith in your relationship. When this happen, try to answer these questions (suggest to write it down somewhere, you have to read them every now and then)

  1. What’s exactly in your mind now?
  2. Is there any evidence that she is doing it now?
  3. Is there any suspicious act from your partner?
  4. Do you think he/she is doing something behind your back?
  5. Is he/she secretly talking to anyone?

This may help you to get rid of those unnecessary thoughts from your head. However this is a long process and may require a long time to see results. Don’t give up halfway. 

Don't Give Up

In conclusion, the ultimate truth is you are not worried about his/her past sexual or those people, but you are worried about what they represent right now in the present. Talk to your partner, share how you are feeling, and your partner has to prove it to you that they are a changed person. These baby steps will recover you from Retroactive Jealousy OCD. 

All these are just temporary, you can/will overcome it!


Read series of Trust & Relationship
Trust is the Foundation of Every Relationship
How to Rebuild the Trust in a Relationship
– Can We Rebuild Trust After Betrayal
– Let Go Your Partner’s Sexual Past History

– Insecurity Can Cause Breakup in a Relationship


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